Patrick: Alright...

Clint: So Patrick....Patrick just doesn't do it for me. From now on I'd like to refer to you as "The Puddy." Would that be alright?

Patrick: Shut the hell up! ....You can call me whatever you want.

Clint: Super. Let's get started. Boxers, briefs, or commando?

Patrick: I actually suffered from twistation of the testicle when I was about 19 years old. One of my gonads swelled up the size of a grapefruit, and I ended up having to have surgery within a 24-hour period because if you don't, you can lose your testicle. Now, fortunately for me I have both of my gonads there. I have four children, which I guess that's somewhat of actual proof that I am, indeed, producing semen. And that was the result of running up stadiums when I was on the Crew team, wearing boxer shorts and not wearing something that would actually support my man-root and uh.... members down there. So, now... I guess I'm a little paranoid about doing anything physical wearing anything other than jockey shorts or... an athletic supporter.

Clint: And I actually have a friend who fought in the Vietnam war and had his testicle blown off. When they got back they replaced it with what I like to call "The Terminator Testicle." It's the wave of the future.

Patrick: Ok, now was it actually made out of steel? Or was it made out of some type of alloy? Because alloy is no good.

Clint: I'm not really sure, but I do know that alloy hurts when you're moving your legs around and stuff like that. On that note... you've been known to do some crazy shit, but the craziest thing I've ever heard you do was strap on that Tick costume and run around New York City like a maniac. That costume looked pretty tight. Did it chafe your thighs?

Patrick: Well... you know, they had to slather me down in KY Jelly to slip that thing on, so... I'd like to say that we probably went through more KY Jelly in a day, than you... Clint Fletcher, would go through in a weekend.

Clint: No comment... so I noticed about a month ago that msn.com did a special on the 10 most popular cancelled tv shows of all-time, and The Tick came in at #2. How does it feel to come in second place?

Patrick: Hahaha.... fuck them. Ok, in all seriousness... I would like to say thank you for the honor of being recognized so highly as a very popular, cancelled tv show. And if I were to say "fuck anybody", how about the higher-ups. At the time its Fox and Sandy Gushow.... whoops, did I say that out loud or was I...

Clint: Yes, you did. And that answers my next question.

Patrick: Hey. You know, The Tick got hammered by Fox and that's bullshit. Just because it cost too much and it wasn't a stupid reality show, you know? Does it seem fair to you? I'm asking you a question, Clint!

Clint: No, it doesn't seem fair to me. Puddy, those rat-bastards...

Patrick: And you know, its not that I was snubbed. I mean, how do you snub The Tick? All I can say is thank you to Ben Edlund and Barry Sonnenfeld for letting me play the character, because The Tick was the most ingenious character ever conceived!

Clint: Since a large portion of your work is done by means of voice-over acting, is there any type of technique that you participate in to exercise your voice and keep it in decent condition? A touch of hot tea, or lemon juice, perhaps?

Patrick: Well, I try to limit my masturbation before I go in. And what it'll do is it will give me a little bit more timber.

Clint: You're also on one of MY personal favorite cartoon shows, The Family Guy. Now comes the million-dollar question. Rumors have been floating around for months of the show making a comeback, but nothing has been confirmed. What can you tell us about that? Have you been contacted about working on another season?

Patrick: I have heard nothing from my friends at The Family Guy. Yeah, I heard that they got picked up again and all that good stuff, but I haven't heard anything yet. But, you know, I'm very elusive and hard to contact. Seth [McFarlane] has probably been trying desperately to contact me. But you know, I'm tough to get ahold of... how did YOU find me?

Clint: Honestly, we started about three months ago and...here we are. So it took awhile, but of course I'm of higher standard so I don't take care of that kind of stuff myself. I have my minions work on that. Now, since this is Film-Monthly and we don't really care about TV, let's move on to film. In your opinion, what is the best film you've seen so far for this year, and why?

Patrick: Oh...hmm...well, there are so many films I still haven't seen.  Um...

Clint: Puddy, I have two words for you: The Girl Next Door. Actually that's more like 5 words or something, but great movie. You should check it out and use your fame to help support it.

Patrick: Oh my God, I'm sure I'd love it because she's such a hottie...

Clint: That's my future ex-wife you're talking about there, so choose your words carefully.

Patrick: Yeah, my fortieth birthday is coming up, and for my birthday...maybe Elisha Cuthbert? Right? Is that her?

Clint: Yeah... I don't know how she pronounces her name. Who cares? I mean honestly...

Patrick: Ok, so her and...Angelina Jolie. That is what I would like for my fortieth birthday present.

Clint: People here in the office think I'm kind of obsessed with her because a couple weeks ago I sort of stole this laminated picture of her and taped it up in the office with a drawn tattoo on her arm that says "Fletch's Woman."

Patrick: That's pretty sick stuff that you're doing. That's pretty sick stuff. Maybe you should see a doctor.

Clint: So, you're friends with both Barry Levinson and Barry Sonnenfeld. Both of which are very successful directors and both have taken the helm of numerous off-beat comedies. Everyone in the office gets these two mixed up all the time. Its like Dylan McDermot and Dermot Mulroney. Its really annoying. Is there anything you could give us that could easily help people separate the two? Certain bodily disfunctions, hideous birth defects, things like that?

Patrick: Never met Levinson. Ever. He directed those American Express spots for us for Seinfeld, and I was off on some guest spot that I didn't even want to do...and I got talked into doing it. So I didn't get to go on location with the boys, with Barry and all of them. So I just came in and voiced Superman when we did the post on it. But yeah, I never got to meet him. Now Sonnenfeld, he is one of the most wittiest, cleverest men I've ever had the good fortune of working with. I mean, if you look at those interviews he did with Letterman...when he did those he was a funnier interview than any actor or comedian who has ever sat in that chair. And, he's just whacked! I just think he's the best, and I hope I get to work with him again sometime in the future.

Clint: Speaking of Sonnenfeld, many loved your riveting performance as Agent T in the greatest sequel ever made, Men in Black II. How does it feel to be within the same motion picture as Michael Jackson?

Patrick: Well, I'll tell you...one day we were at craft services together. And it looked like he was just reaching for a carrot, but I think that he was actually trying to touch me in the bathing suit area. That made me a little uncomfortable. Now, I'll tell you what kind of freaked me out. He invited me over for a slumber party, and I showed up at the door, and it was just the two of us. I thought it was strange but I went along with it. But then he wanted to play spin the bottle...and it was just the two of us... now that was fine. But when it came time to go to bed... there was one sleeping bag.

Clint: I thought that there was this age limit, you know? I mean, I'm sure you went over to his house because you thought, 'well I'm a thirty-nine year-old man. It'll be alright.'

Patrick: Right. I said 'look, aren't I a little old for you?' And he said "eh, you know, I like variety." And all I knew was that I was with a superstar so I went with it. And after a little spooning...a little cuddling...uh...we talked! We talked...

Clint: What is your number one pet peeve when it comes to women? Or your wife? Whichever you prefer.

Patrick: Hmm.... NOT ENOUGH SEX. How bout that?

Clint: How much would I have to pay you to make an appearance in one of my films?

Patrick: Nothing. Apparently I work for free, look at some of the independent films I've done. You know what we should talk about a little bit? Do you know anything about The Civilization of Mr. Bright?

Clint: I do, actually. That title sounded pretty boring to me.

Patrick: Well listen, The Civilization of Mr. Bright was previously called Sex and Violence. But they thought that title was too much of a turn-off and possible connotations of maybe rape, perhaps?

Clint: So they turned it into boring shit like...

Patrick: The Civilization of Mr. Bright. Yeah. The film opens with full-frontal nudity. I show some full-frontal in that.

Clint: From you?

Patrick: Yeah... Does that entice you at all, Clint? Does that make you want to see it?

Clint: Not really. You've been touched by Michael Jackson and that kind of ruins the whole image I had of you being a wholesome person.

Patrick: You wanna go? Bring it on. Let's do one of those...what do you call them...televised boxing matches.

Clint: You know what I had an idea for? I'm technically a neurotic writer, so what are the chances of you and I teaming up for the show I'm with Puddy? Did you ever see that I'm with Busey show? That was hilarious, and it got cancelled.

Patrick: Are you high right now? Are you a drug-user?

Clint: Actually, I'm pretty hung-over. You made me get up at noon to come down here and do this interview. That's still morning to me, man. Many actors have their share of stalkers. Have you had any of your own over the course of your career? Other than me?

Patrick: Well, if I see anybody creeping too close and I turn around, they tend to scurry off in the other direction. Its probably because I'm 6'3", 240 pounds...and hairy. Now I'm not Robin Williams hairy, but...

Clint: Yeah, Robin Williams is like a 10 on the scale. So on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being Robin, how hairy are you?

Patrick: I'd say about a 6. I don't have that back full of hair thing going on. I'd love to have some little female stalkers though. That would be kinda neat. You know, just putting it out there.

Clint: You're probably most famous for your legendary role of Puddy on Seinfeld. The people here at film monthly are dying to know...are you really that dumb in real life, or would you like to confirm reports that you're a pretty sharp guy?

Patrick: Well, I may have to convince you otherwise. I've actually become much, much dumber through being married and having these children. I find that I'm not half as sharp that I once was. I can't even help them with their 4th and 5th grade vocabulary and math work at this point. And it's a bit humiliating, I mean my kids show me how to use the effin' computer and they kick my ass at video games. At this point, they pretty much have to take care of me.

Clint: Speaking of your kids, how many daughters do you have?

Patrick: I have one daughter and I have three sons. My daughter is nine-and-a-half.

Clint: So when she grows up and she starts dating, what are you going to do about all the jack-asses that come and take her out on dates?

Patrick: What are you trying to do, Clint? Are you trying to push my buttons? Because you're just a plane-flight away my friend. Oh, I'm gonna kill some fucking kids before...you know, my biggest fear is that she's 13 year's old and some 17 year-old jackass ends up at the door. And I'm just going to look at him and say... 'What the fuck are you doing here, dick-wad? You're going to have to die.' Listen, I love and adore my sweet princess. I'm so glad that the other three are boys because, you know, its that old thing that with your boys you only have to worry about one penis but with girls you have to worry about a billion penises. It's alright though. I'm going to build a large dungeon in my house, like a secret room and any young suitor who comes to the door will end up dismembered down there. What do you think? Do you think that may be deterrent?

Clint: Absolutely. So Puddy, in Scream 3 you play a bodyguard by the name of Steven Stone. I have a good friend named Steven Stone. Now that I've established a personal connection with you and my friend, is there any chance you could get him a possible acting job?

Patrick: No. Let me just tell you something right now, Clint. This will probably save us a lot of time and heartache: no favors. Don't ask me for any favors, alright?

Clint: Fair enough. Moving on...have you ever had intercourse while--

Patrick: Yes.

Clint: ...while wearing The Tick costume?

Patrick: Ok, first off, its impossible to have intercourse with the Tick costume. There's no hole for the peepee. God knows if there was, and I thought it might work, then yes. Yes, I would've tried.

Clint: I couldn't help but notice that you've worked on numerous projects alongside Andy Dick. Are you two good friends?

Patrick: Andy, too, like Michael...invited me over for a slumber party. Same thing, it was just the two of us. Then he wanted to play spin the bottle...

Clint: Is that man really as crazy as he leads himself to be?

Patrick: You know what, he sure is a nice fellow to work with. On a personal level I do like Andy, but our lives are complete opposites. Am I jealous? Look it, look it, I'm married and have four children... I get no pussy. This guy...its just not fair, that he gets as much action as he does. Does that make me angry? Oh, it makes me angry. I mean, come on...

Clint: Well, he is a much bigger star than you are so...

Patrick: YOU SHUT THE HELL UP, CLINT!!! YOU SHUT UP!!!

Clint: Hey, Puddy....call me Fletch. Who is your favorite late-night talk show host and why?

Patrick: Conan O'Brien effin' rules! He's just, he's always made me laugh. I just think that he's a brilliant, funny man, and I just get a kick out of his show. He's the one that's really worthwhile watching.

Clint: That's awesome. Maybe one day you'll get to go on his show...

Patrick: I've been on his show a few times. Clint, let me remind you who you are talking to. This is Patrick Warburton. I used to be on Seinfeld for nine episodes...and I did a show called The Tick.

Clint: If you could switch teams for any famous male actor on the planet, who would it be for?

Patrick: If I could what???

Clint: Switch teams. Like if you go gay...gay for a day.

Patrick: Uh.....hmm.....ok, I don't know about the whole 'gay for a day' thing, but I will tell you who my idol is: Eddie Vedder. I am a sick, sick Pearl Jam fan. If I didn't have responsibilities at home to take care of my family I would volunteer to be a roadie for Pearl Jam for a couple months. Eddie Vedder rocks. **squishing sound** I'm brushing my teeth, can you tell?

[**toilet flushes**]

Clint: Are you taking a dump during my interview?

Patrick: That was the wife, I swear. She... she's gone now.

Clint: Now in all seriousness, about a year from now I'll be trying to sell my own comedy screenplays and pitching ideas. Is there any chance I could maybe get in contact with you?

Patrick: Hey...what did I say earlier? No fucking favors!

Clint: So you don't think you will remember me then?

Patrick: This is the scariest interview I've ever done in my life. How could I possibly forget you?