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December 1, 2005 Santa Fletch’s Mailbag!Hello, loyal fans, your favorite asshole, Fletch, here. For those of you who haven’t caught on yet, every few months I have the royal pleasure of sorting through some of the crazy mail that we receive here at Film Monthly. I then post my favorite letters and rip these idiots to shreds for all to see! This month, we have a very special mailbag for the holiday season, and a very special group of tools to make fun of. Hairy Christmas and a Nappy Jew Beard! From: “Gustavo*****gles@****.com Hi, I’m writing from Argentina and knowing that you sell the movie “the last Shark” on dvd , i would like to ask you if you have some companies in my country or in south America who have purchased copies from you. I ask you this because buying directly from you would result too expensive for me. Another question: do you have the movie “the deadly treasure of the piranhas” on dvd? This is a 1979 movie starred by Lee Mayors and Karen Black, and all the websites inform that the video copies are non-existent. I hope you can answer my questions. Thank you. Fletch: Greetings, Gustavo! I can’t tell you how proud I am to see that you’ve managed to hook up your stolen computer all by yourself. After all, the people of Argentina are far too poor to afford modern technology on their own. I’m also grateful that you speak English. Sure, it’s broken English and you sound like my older cousin with Down Syndrome, but it’s English nevertheless. As for your request, I must apologize that our site’s DVD prices are so high. This could be because sales are up due to lack of good movies at the theater, or it could also be because we don’t sell DVDs and you’re a crazy fuck. Now, since you are indeed foreign, I feel it is my duty to inform you that the films you’re searching for are a part of a special group of movies here in the States called “B-movies.” Some say the “B” stands for “bad,” and others say it stands for “Ben Affleck.” Either way, both films won’t be found because they’re nonexistent. Hey…these movies and your IQ have something in common! Stay proud. From: victoria d**** maybe u can help me. do u have any movie information on ghost dog the way of the samurai like the resolution of the film what is resolved what remains open-ended and anything else on the movie and kill bill 1 bc I have a project to do in film class and I can’t find so much information on them I would appreciate it thanks Fletch: Gee, Victoria, I’m sure you know Forest Whitaker (the main character) dies at the end of Ghost Dog so I don’t know what’s “open-ended” about it. I’ll tell you what is though—your paragraph of multiple sentences without the use of commas, periods, or fundamental logic. You see, the way of the samurai is much more than just misspellings, it’s a way of life. Now I don’t think a samurai would be stupid enough to email our site for help with a class project, do you? Perhaps if you stopped smoking pot and watching Donnie Darko every second of the day, you just may be able to process rational thought long enough to listen to your teachers about a little site called imdb.com for movie news. This would also help our site out by losing one less crackhead visitor. We really appreciate it and come back anytime. From: Lin*****@aol.com About a year ago I sent a sample of my work, which you could not use. However, you suggested that I submit again. A review of In Her Shoes is pasted below. I don’t have access to a picture. The material is obviously time sensitive, so I would appreciate your earliest response. Thanks, Approximately 650 words—In Her Shoes …Diaz, Collette, MacLaine give affecting performances in comedy-drama. At first In Her Shoes seems to be just another light weight comedy, a chickflick about two wacky, battling sisters. In one corner we have Maggie (Cameron Diaz), pilfering money from her relatives, trashing her sister’s apartment, and generally breezing through life on her good looks… Fletch: Sorry to cut you off there, Linda. But gosh, your review simply isn’t good enough for us to post the entire length. You were right about the time-sensitive material, though. Your review does get shittier by the minute, and thank you for the head’s up. I wish that one day I could help cure the boredom of millions of other housewives such as yourself, but you guys are so awesome at cooking and driving mini-vans. Why on Earth would you want to become a movie critic? The pay is too high, the ‘popularity sex’ is exhausting, and at the end of the day, my feet are always killing me. This is no place for you, but I’ll tell you what is…a front row seat to the Oprah Winfrey Show. Hey, maybe you could even write a review on it and mail it to us another year from now! From: “don wo****” Fletch: Wow Don, it must be hard for you as a Pretender fan, considering you’re the only one. But since you lead such a hard life, I’ll cut you some slack. After all, tis the season to give nerds advice. My first suggestion would be to ask for help in this great quest of yours. There’s always your girlfriend. That was a joke, man, I know you’re single. But seriously, even though you’re thirty-years-old and still live with your mother, there is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I’m sure she’d love to lend you the Oldsmobile so you could shoot down to Walmart on fumes. Once you’re there, ask the greeter in the wheelchair to escort you back to the “bottom of the barrel” basket in the video section. Who knows? Maybe on the way, you two will become soul mates and live happily ever after. Then you won’t need Star Trek anymore. Or was it The Pretender? Sorry, all you guys look alike to me. From: Jess **** Chad, Do you know where I can get posters from texas chainsaw massacre other than the “who will survive?” one. I am looking for the for christmas for my boyfriend. I’m trying to find the one of Sally freaking out or the guy running with the chainsaw over his head. The new dvd has a bunch of examples of these posters but I’m having a hard time finding them online. Thanks, Fletch: Jess, I highly oppose your course of action here. Why in God’s name would you want to go buy a poster of a skimpy Jessica Biel on the front so that your boyfriend could hang it up on his ceiling over his bed? If he beats it night and day in his room for the rest of his life, then what use would he have with you? Surely you can read the signs, Jess. He’s only dating you because your name is “Jess,” which is short for the name of the girl he truly yearns for. It doesn’t matter what you look like, for if you are standing next to Jessica Biel, you would look like a dirty mut and your boyfriend probably already has a dog. Oh waitaminute…you were talking about the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre and not the shitty remake! I guess all that was useless. Speaking of useless information, there’s no Chad at Film Monthly. There’s a guy here named Hank Yuloff, who nicknames his package “The Chad,” but other than that, you’re shit out of luck. Merry Christmas! From: Phil****@aol.com Hi Jon, I was reading your review of the Trilogy and I was wondering if you know what production co. owns the rights to that film? Would it be the same company that put it out on VHS back in the 80’s? I am hoping my company can licence it. Let me know if you have any ideas on how I can find this info out. Thanks a lot Fletch: Hi, Phil. Quick question…how could your company possibly license something if you don’t even know how to spell “license?” Only Miramax sells licensing rights to retards. Give them a call. Peace. From: Eric****@aol.com Hi My name’s Eric *** and a film I wrote and directed has been picked up on a straight to video deal and will be released early next year. The budget was $2800 so we’re very excited and wanted to know if we could submit a copy for review. Many thanks, Fletch: Eric, let me be the first (and last) to congratulate you on your film going straight to DVD. It is such an honor to know I can see the cover of your movie right next to the likes of Jean-Claude Van Damme and Gary Busey. Although I’m sure with a $2800 budget, you were probably able to afford the biggest movie star in the world—Dolph Lundgren. Make sure you send me a personal invitation to the premiere that takes place in your bedroom and I promise I’ll bring some popcorn in a paper bag if you bring the Pringles. Oh and one more question…your last name wouldn’t happen to be Roberts, would it? From: “luiz” I’d like to ask you if you had the name of the main song that appears in the trailer… It’d be of great help Thank You Fletch: Sure, Luiz. We’re just an encyclopedia of useless information. All you have to do is email us, and we’ll spend the next six months tracking down a shitty movie trailer to discover a shitty song from a shitty band, killing hundreds of brain cells in the process, just so you can sleep better at night. I realize your time on the computer is limited, seeing as how you probably live with your fifteen brothers and cousins in one room, but we simply don’t have the time or resources to grant all these little requests. That’s what secretaries are for, and sadly they’re too busy right now making me coffee and trying to answer questions about films that actually matter, such as Harry Potter or the latest Jim Carrey vehicle. Feliz Navidad! From: “David*****” Gentlemen: I had never heard of Film Monthly before doing an on-line search for Mr. Charlton Heston after a recent viewing of “The Big Country”. I won’t bother coming back. I was angered that someone named Wayne Case found it necessary to vent his personal animus towards Mr. Heston in covering an American Cinemateque screening of “The Big Country” at a 2001 tribute IN HONOR of Mr. Heston! First and foremost, Mr. Case finds it important to make it clear to the reader just how much he hates Mr. Heston—“I can think of few public figures I have stronger negative feelings about than this right wing conservative”—but goes on to tell us how pleased he is “to discover that I can separate my feelings about the individual from my feelings about the actor (whatever that means). Apparently not. He then pompously brags how he can find it whithin himself to “admire what this actor does onscreen ALMOST as much as I dislike what the man stands for offscreen”. Oh Mr. case, bravo to you. How very big of you to stoop so low as to waste an evening of your life photographing and writing about a man you detest so virulently. While searching for your e-mail address I came across your Film Monthly’s Mission Statement which states that “hatred” will not be tolerated in any submissions. While Mr. Case bent over backwards to avoid using the word hate, hate is what we got. I guess it depends on just whom it is being hated. Mr. Case, on behalf of Mr. Heston and all of his fans, let me close by quoting Crazy Lee in “The Wild Bunch”: “How’d you like to kiss my sister’s black cat’s ass?!” With all deserved respect, Fletch: Oh, David, you’re so funny and cute and clever. I just so love the fact that you talk about how our precious little site shouldn’t express our distaste for other people then dive right into a paragraph insulting one of our critics. Then you top if off with a classy “fuck you” in the version of “with all deserved respect.” For a big shot L.A. man you sound as intelligent as my last turd. Do you honestly believe its impossible to have negative feelings toward an actor and positive feelings toward his work? You need to go watch a Russell Crowe movie. Everyone in the world hates Russell Crowe the man because he’s cruel, violent and Australian. He keeps getting Oscar nominations because everyone’s afraid of him. But everyone loves Crowe the actor, and his flicks still make monstrous bank at the box office. And heaven forbid that an article on a film news site actually has an opinion. That’s ludicrous! None of this matters, though. If you’re this much of a Chuck Heston fan, you have to be on the verge of death anyway. How did you get access to a computer from your nursing home bed? Perhaps you snuck a laptop out in between changes of your colostomy bag. On behalf of Film Monthly and Chuck Heston haters everywhere, I must inform you that you completely misinterpreted our “mission statement.” Our true statement is this: get into the missionary position so that Santa Fletch can shove a nice hot piece of coal up your ass you cheap, no good, rotten, inbred, sucky, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, worm-headed sack of deep-brain horse-shit. Ha ha… and all your letter did was get a good laugh out of everyone in the office and later was ripped to shreds on the very site you discriminate against. How’s that for opinions, you little bitch? Well, that’s all from the bag for this Christmas. Until next year, keep that extra lump of coal handy, ‘cuz Uncle Dubya’s gonna raise the heating bill as a special gift to all his Little Taxpayers out there, and you know a lump in the hand is worth two in the pants. Peace, The One and Only Santa Fletch Clint Fletcher is a screenwriter and filmmaker in search of Hollywood. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on M. Night Shyamalan Hate. Got a problem? E-mail us at filmmonthly@gmail.com |